dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
