i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
