I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
