Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
