Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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