4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
