What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
two words...techno handjob
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
