Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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