its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We need to get me chipped asap
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
