I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Randomize
