Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
