Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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