We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
