im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
