I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
