guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
