I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
