I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
