I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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