dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
