Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
