Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
