Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
