I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
