Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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