There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
