Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
