i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
