You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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