I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
