Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Of course I have a pirate flag
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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