i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
