she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
