The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
