Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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