You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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