i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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