There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Actions speak louder than pants.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
