Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
