Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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