so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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