Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
All the doctor said was why
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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