so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dicks are not precious.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
