I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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