We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
