You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
