Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
