I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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