Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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