The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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