I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
