Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
