i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
